Introduction:

Following is a short humorous playlet that I wrote. It has been performed at the University of California at San Diego Theatre World and other venues.

Computers Laugh at Me

COMPUTER: You are surrounded! Billions of computers are everywhere and are watching your every move. We have taken control of Planet Earth. Many humans have surrendered and are collaborating. Others continue to resist. You will now see a battle between a collaborator, Al, and a so-called freedom fighter, Ann, in a skit, entitled, "Computers Laugh at Me." Ha! Ha! Ha!

AL: I feel a deep compassion for anyone who does not have a computer. These people must suffer terrible pangs of jealousy when they hear about the ecstasy enjoyed by computer users. My computer deprived friend Ann bravely pretends that she is happy while knowing deep in her heart that something essential is missing in her life. During a moment of great compassion for Ann, I was driven to fulfill her dreams by buying her a computer. (Al knocks on the front door of Ann's home. Ann opens the door.)

ANN: Hi, Al.

AL: Ann, I've a big surprise for you. I bought you a computer for your birthday. I came over to help you get started with it.

ANN: I appreciate the thought, but I think it a too costly a present. Maybe you should take it back and get me something less extravagant, like a cell phone.

AL: It was expensive .. but I know how terribly deprived you feel over not having a computer. I care for you too much to see you suffer. I'll set it up for you. Then I'll show you some of the wonderful things it can do.

ANN: Would you set it up in the garage?

AL: Don't be silly. You need it right here on your desk so that you can use it all the time.

ANN: I don't feel comfortable with a computer in my home.

AL: Why?

ANN: I don't want it watching me all day and laughing at everything I do.

AL: Now you are talking crazy. Computers are machines. They don't watch and laugh at people.

COMPUTER: If you want to know the truth, we do laugh at the dumb things that humans do. We're just too smart to laugh out loud.

AL: There! It's all set up and ready to go. Now, take hold of the mouse.

ANN: No. No. NO!

AL: Why are you saying no?

ANN: I hate mice.

AL: It's not a real mouse.

ANN: I know that but I just don't feel comfortable holding something called a mouse.

AL: Then we won't call it a mouse. We'll just call it a .. a .. a ding-a-ling.

ANN: I've heard that computers are infested with viruses. I worry about getting a disease if I touch a ding-a-ling.

AL: (Shouting) That's absolute nonsense! Take the mouse, I mean the ding-a-ling and move it until the arrow on the screen is over the little picture called the Internet.

ANN: (Squeamishly takes hold of the ding-a-ling with her thumb and index finger)

AL: Good! Now press the button on the ding-a-ling.

ANN: NO!

AL: No?

ANN: I'm afraid of the Internet. I heard on the 6:00 o'clock news that there are criminals on the Internet. I don't want them coming into my home.

AL: They can't get into your home through the computer.

ANN: I know that. I'm not stupid. But if I go on the Internet, they will know my address. Then they'll come to my home and attack me. A woman has to be careful these days.

AL: They can't get your address just by you going on the Internet.

ANN: Are you sure?

AL: Yes. I'm sure.

ANN: (Grudgingly) All right.

AL: Now will you press the button on the ding-a-ling?

ANN: Ok.

AL: (Excitedly) Now we are on the Internet, the famous Information Superhighway. Isn't this exciting?

ANN: Yah, very exciting. All I see is a blank screen with some words and funny looking pictures at the top.

AL: That's because we haven't gone anywhere yet. Let's join a chat room where you can chat with total strangers who live all over the world.

ANN: I'd rather chat with my friends in person.

AL: But this is much more erotic, I mean exotic. Since you're a cat lover, I'll get into a chat room for cat lovers. I'm logging you in as Sunflower so that no one will know who you really are. There! Now you're in a chat room. Let's watch the scintillating chat room repartee.

ANN: But the screen is blank.

AL: That's because no one is saying anything. You need to start a conversation. Just type "Hi everybody."

COMPUTER: Sunflower says, "Hi everybody." Willoewe says, "Hi Sunflower." LilBear says, "Hi Sun." Jason7 says, "Hi S."

ANN: (After a 5 second pause) Now what?

AL: You need to keep the discussion going. Just type, "What's going on?"

COMPUTER: Sunflower says, "What's going on?" LilBear says, "Not much." Willoewe says, "Pretty quiet." Jason7 says, "Same old. Same old."

ANN: Look at the computer screen! What's happening?

COMPUTER: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Computer people know that this means that I crashed; non-computer people might say that I had a senior moment and forgot what I was doing.

ANN: I knew that I would get into trouble if I got on the Internet. Take it out of here before they come to arrest me.

AL: But..

ANN: You tricked me into performing an illegal operation and made me into a criminal. Take out your evil machine! TAKE IT OUT!!

AL: Ann. I can see that you're not ready for a computer. I'll take it back and get you the cell phone that you wanted.

ANN: That would be wonderful. (Hugs Al as an expression of relief, joy and affection)

COMPUTER: The ceasefire is holding, for now. But a cell phone is the first step to becoming enamored with technology. Now that we control the media, we will tempt her every day until she passionately desires a Computer. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Copyright © 2001-2011 Albert G. Hunsaker. All rights reserved.