Following is a humorous monologue that I wrote. I recite it at talent shows and on other occasions.

I appreciate the work done by the government agencies and other entities mentioned. I trust that the responsible parties of these entities have a sense of humor and will not take offense at me for using their names irreverently in the monologue.

Human Osculation Monologue:

For the past forty years, I have been working on my still unfinished Doctoral Thesis on the ecology, pathology and pharmacology of human osculation, which is commonly referred to as kissing.

After thousands of hours of painstaking research, I have made some amazing discoveries and have gotten into a lot of trouble.

On Ecology:

Last year, I published my initial findings in the Journal of Chemical Ecology, which hypothesized that osculation is good for the environment. In the article, I stated that osculation is all natural, 100% organic and made without pesticides or preservatives. I also showed that it is nonpolluting, recyclable, renewable and biodegradable.

Then the Environmental Protection Agency became concerned that my article may lead to increased kissing and that I may not have disclosed some possible adverse effects on the environment. They contracted with the University of California at San Diego to study the ecologic imbalance from thermal pollution because of heat generated by increased kissing. They also contracted with Sandia Laboratories to determine the extent to which the heavy breathing that accompanies kissing could increase the concentration of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere and thereby exacerbate the global warming trend. The United States District Court then issued an order restraining me from publishing any additional reports on osculation pending the completion of these studies.

On Pathology:

In an article in the American Journal of Medicine, I showed that osculation promotes good health. It heals depression and increases blood circulation. A kiss is naturally sweet without sugar or artificial sweeteners. It is rejuvenating, exhilarating, nonfattening and cholesterol free.

However, after reading my article the Center for Disease Control and Prevention of the United States Public Health Service sponsored a research project to investigate whether increased kissing may promote the spread of disease. The preliminary report of this study, is proposing new regulations requiring anyone engaging in osculation to use plastic shields to ensure that the lips of the participants do not make physical contact while osculating.

On Pharmacology:

In another research paper, which I published in the Journal of Clinical Pharmacology, I reported that I had proven that osculation is a drug. It causes a feeling of euphoria, is addictive and releases about the same quantity of endorphins as a shot of heroin. I noted that it is legal in most places and may be obtained everywhere without a prescription. However, I pointed out that unless taken inappropriately, it has no known harmful or unpleasant side effects.

Well, someone at the FDA saw a copy of my paper and sent it to the Drug Enforcement Administration. As a result, the DEA has introduced legislation in the United States Congress that would make kissing a controlled substance. If it passes, kisses will be allowed to be dispensed only by licensed pharmacists and only to persons having a prescription from a licensed physician.

Conclusion:

That's about all I am able to report at this time. My research is continuing although now in the Bahamas to avoid further problems with the US government. However, I need additional female osculation research volunteers. Please see me, if you believe that you may qualify.

Copyright © 1998-2008 Albert G. Hunsaker. All rights reserved.